Defeated

It is day twenty and I have finally been broken, by this cancer, this hospital room, everything. I had such an upbeat attitude up until now and then today came and kicked the crap out of me. It started off with me taking two benedryl this morning which caused me to pass out for a few hours, with multiple interruptions. I took the benedryl due to my rash which has gone gangbusters. While sleeping I was awoken to have the IV attached for first antibiotics and then an anti fungal medicine. During the second of the two, I was asleep with a 101.6 temp when I woke up and felt wet all over my side. I checked my pants, as a precaution, and then saw my shirt and sweatshirt were soaked. I disrobed my upper body apparel to find that I had pulled the IV in my sleep and it had snapped. This day had gone from bad to shitty. I was now so fucking angry and just wanted everything back to normal. I sent an hour and a half today staring at the clock on the wall. Just watching the seconds go by and hoping this day would end. The IV team came in and fixed the problem and I was halfway hopeful that this day could be salvaged. The nurse came in to draw blood some time after the IV fix and low and behold there was a leak. I'm now on a greased up hill and there is really no chance of me getting traction to get back up to the top. The dermatologist then comes by to take a look at my rash. Like I said, this thing is out of control. It is on my neck, chest, stomach, back, arms, legs, face, you get the picture. She tells me that rashes usually peak around week two and I'm just at the end of week one. FML! She takes a biopsy which is much larger than I had anticipated. Like merchant of Venice. She then tells me that it'll take a few weeks to find the cause and by then this rash should be gone. The only saving grace is that we'll hopefully know the cause prior to me being admitted to presbyterian st lukes for the bone marrow transfusion.

In any event, the IV team comes back and fixes the catheter. Check one for a positive today. I am so fucking pissed and sad and over this fucking thing! Fuck cancer! Fuck rashes! And fuck being stuck in the same room for twenty days!